just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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