U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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