I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
