"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
