I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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