Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
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He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
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So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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