Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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