FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
