I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
