i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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