Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
