is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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