My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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