she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
