I got chris browned last night
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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