Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
