Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
