Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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