We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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