found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Randomize
