so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
