Me too!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize