Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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