Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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