All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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