Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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