I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
