I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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