I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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