i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
