Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
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He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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