I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
