No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Alive.
So much puke
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
