At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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