Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
