the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
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Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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