Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
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So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.