Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
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I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum