I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Someone stole a lamp last night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious