Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
