If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
