Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
