Taylor Swift is so right about you.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Vodka?
Forever.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
