i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
