If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
