I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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