so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
