Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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