I'm gonna have a badass scar
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
