I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
