ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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