is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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