Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
